i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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