i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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