some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
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I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
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That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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