just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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