I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
