Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
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Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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