made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
