when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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