I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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