What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
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Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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