My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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