sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
