FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
