Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
