I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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