he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
