They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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