I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
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Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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