I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.