i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.