btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.