got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
