YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
