Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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