New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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