I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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