Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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