i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
