I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
