some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
