I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
