saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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