it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
