Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
