Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
