A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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