I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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