I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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