Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
