i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
