Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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