omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
