I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
