im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We just shotgunned beers for America
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
