im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
