yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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