If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
