Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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