No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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