I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
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Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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