dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
