Where did you get a picture of my penis
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
