Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
