Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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