I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
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I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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