I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
