I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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