I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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