I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
