My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
