i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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