Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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