and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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