You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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